I don't often write about my faith, because it doesn't really enter into the realm of Zero-Waste and like, what's the best way to stop using plastic, but this SHIFT I keep talking about, the one from a mindset of lack to abundance, definitely relates to my faith, so I'm probably going to start implementing it into my writing more often.
I share where my victories have been in hopes that they might be helpful to you, but I also want to share my struggles. I'm not perfect by any means and I never want to give off that impression so from time to time I'm going to spill my guts.
Honestly, I wish more people did this -- more people that I admire. They seem so put together and like they've got it all figured out, but I know that they don't. Even if they're miles ahead of me on this path, struggles come at every stop because that's how we keep growing.
So, in an effort to keep growing, here's my latest gut spill.
I do this weird thing where I draw parallels between myself and David - you know - King David in the Bible, same David who Jesus is a descendent of, same David who was called a Man after God’s own heart, same David that killed Goliath with a single stone and then cut off his head with his own sword? Yeah…that David.
I’m not exactly sure why, but, I think if you’d ask any Christian, they’d probably be able to give you a person in the Bible that they relate to the most, for me, it’s David.
I’ve always felt a great calling on my life — and most of the time, it feels like I’m the only one who thinks it, feels it, believes it or knows it — And. It’s. Frustrating.
Before I go on, if you’re unfamiliar with David, let me give you the cliff notes version…
David was a shepherd, he also was a harpist. He was the youngest of eight boys and one day the prophet Samuel came to David’s house to anoint David as king. David’s father presented [all of] his sons before Samuel but with each one, Samuel passed them over saying, “God has not chosen this one.”
Then Samuel asked if Jesse [David’s dad] had any other sons and he was like, “Uhhh well, there’s the youngest - but he tends the sheep.” David’s dad thought so little of him that he didn’t even invite him into the house to be presented before Samuel — didn’t even call him by name, just referred to him as the youngest and the one who tends the sheep.
They sent for David, Samuel knew he was the one God had chosen and he anointed him as King in front of his brothers and his dad. [That must have been GREAT.] Then David went back to tending sheep. He would later go on to kill Goliath, become King Saul’s harpist and eventually become King. It took many years between being anointed as King and taking the position of King.
I often wonder if David was ever as impatient as I am…
Think about it. He became anointed as King and then… went back to tending sheep. He didn’t go to the castle and take the throne that day, he didn’t even get “King lessons” — he went back to tending sheep.
That’s nuts. To me, that implies great patience on David’s part, but was he really? Was he really out there in the field, totally fine and humble and content to be there and have NO IDEA when his calling would be fulfilled?
Because I’m not cool with it. It’s hard to describe how painfully frustrating and disgusted I can get to KNOW, DEEP down that I’m meant to do something great and have little idea as to what it is or when it will happen. To know that I’m capable, and still get the impression that everyone in my life looks at me like small potatoes.
I mean, I’ve got no proof — haha. This visceral feeling and KNOWING is only “tangible” to me. And when I get the feeling that people view me as small, I do two things.
I withdraw and push them away [maybe not by creating physical distance but definitely an emotional detachment] because it feels like they don’t believe in me and therefore, don’t love me like I thought they did. I feel alone in the journey.
Then I either wallow in that feeling, which causes me to pause and not take action towards my calling or I get angry and say, “Screw ‘em - I don’t need anyone!” and carry on head first into my work, further isolating myself. [I’m definitely a 4.]
It’s kind of a disastrous pattern in my life. I can look back and see many times that this has happened.
I used to do Branding, so when a friend of mine started a business and didn’t ask me to do her branding but went with someone else — it hurt.
I teach Minimalism, Budgeting and help people Declutter, so when a friend of mine talks about her struggles around these areas and goes to someone else for help — it hurts.
These scenarios make me feel like I suck and that the people closest to me, don’t believe in me or view me as good or successful. If I don’t even come into their radar about things that I’ve been doing for years, then we must not be as close as I thought we were.
I feel like what I can only imagine David must have felt like living in that house with his seven older brothers and father who didn’t think anything of him — not even enough to get him to come and serve all of them while Samuel was there — he was a complete after thought.
I wonder, how many times did David cry alone in that field? Or was he always so strong? Always so sure in who God said he was? [And in case you were wondering, I’m TOTALLY crying while writing this… highly sensitive person….heyyyyy.]
Did David KNOW he was meant for greatness before Samuel anointed him or did he think he would be a shepherd forever and was totally cool with it? What was David’s ambition like?
I wonder these things because I’m over here, in my metaphorical field wondering if I’m unknowingly forcing my own “king lessons” for a calling that might not be mine, or if I’m just tending sheep while God is working in the background.
I’m actually ok not knowing what the end is — that’s not my problem. I just want to know if I’m taking the right steps. [Words of Affirmation is my love language after all.] I think I am, but in those moments when it seems like everyone is still viewing me as small or not thinking of me at all, I can’t help but wonder, when is Samuel coming?
When will it be made clear? Crystal freakin’ clear. When will I stop being an after thought? When will I be sent for? [And then the guilt of feeling selfish comes in...]
Don’t get me wrong — I love my life. I love what I do, who I get to help, how I get to spend my time — but that “feeling” hasn’t happened yet — that feeling of knowing, “This is IT!”
If I didn’t have that feeling that I was meant to do something great, I believe I’d be perfectly content, but I do have it, so I’m not. Ironically, one of my greatest fears is spending my whole life waiting for “it” to happen that I miss “it” happening before my very eyes.
Talk about a mind f*%#. [Are you allowed to sort of use the f word in a Biblical post? Uhhhhh….]
And I wonder... am I delusional? What if I'm meant to be these "small potatoes" after all? What if I'm meant to just tend sheep? Is that ok? Am I crazy for feeling like I'm not?
So… what’s the lesson here? Because I like to say, “When you’re low — look for the lesson.”
Validation from others doesn’t prove my worth or my calling.
God’s timing is perfect.
God’s gonna blow my mind and allow me to do SO many cool things along the way.
Don’t rely on others to feel good about myself.
Don’t hate the small beginnings.
If I never reach or attain this "feeling" I have -- will my life be enough?
Recognize my triggers and replace them with truth.
I need to study David more.
Most of the time I write with an objective in mind and sometimes I write because this is just how I’m feeling right now and this is one of those times and maybe you’re out there and you know — you KNOW — that you’re meant for more than your current circumstances and you feel like everyone around you views you as small — I want to remind you that it’s ok to cry it out but know that you’re NOT alone and that you ARE destined for more!
Even if it feels like no one else believes in you [which probably isn’t true, it just FEELS that way] — you can’t stop believing in yourself! I believe in you, yes YOU, the woman on the other side of this screen who still feels like a little girl inside, I believe in you!
Now I’m going to go wash my face, eat some tater tots, do some deep breathing and get back to work, but first...
Thank you for the calling on my life. Thank you for your awesome, immeasurably more plan for my life. I know you've called me for more, but if it doesn't happen -- for whatever reason -- help me in my dissatisfaction. Bring me to a place that if you never did another thing for me, I would live each day in complete gratitude towards you!
Love & Learning,